A Letter to My Future Husband

28 October, 2015

Wednesday

Dear Future Husband

I don't know who you are or where you are. I can't tell you when our paths are going to cross and when we'll eventually run into one another, but I can tell you that I've been waiting for the day. I take such comfort in the fact that God is orchestrating our love story according to His will and His more than perfect timing. I know that each struggle I'm faced with and each moment of joy I experience is somehow wonderfully working it's way into preparing me for us.

I wanted to write you this letter to let you know where I'm at in terms of waiting for our relationship to begin. I think it's important to explain my heart to you - it's in such a different place compared to a year ago. A year ago, I hated being single. I was lonely and I was longing to meet you and for our relationship to begin. A year ago I was frustrated at both myself, as well as God. I was frustrated at myself for wanting this relationship so badly. I was frustrated at myself for letting the idea of it consume me. It's not easy being the only single one in your group of friends or in your family, and often I would let this get to me. Mostly I was frustrated at God because He of all people knew that being married to you and serving God alongside you has been the biggest desire of my heart for the longest time, yet He wasn't bringing you into my life. I don't like to admit this, but for years I idolised my relationship with you - whoever you may be - and I put God second.

Over the last year, something has changed. I began putting God first. I can't tell you how important it was for me to do this. Putting God first, over you, has allowed aspects of my life to fall into place so perfectly - aspects of my life that I didn't even realise needed falling into place. I remember the moment, just over a year ago, that I decided that this needed to be done - loudly, and more clearly than I could ever imagine, God said "Return to me and I will grant you the desires of your heart." And so that's exactly what I did. I tried my best to forget about you and to focus on my most important relationship of all - my relationship with God. Was it easy? No. It's never easy to try and stop desiring the one thing you've wanted all your life. But with God, it was possible. I never knew just how much I was craving a once more solid relationship with God until I made the conscious decision to put Him first, and us second.

You see, a year ago I thought I was ready. Ready to meet you, ready to begin our life together, ready to become the Godly wife I've always wanted to be. But in hindsight, I am now able to see how I wasn't even close. I had so much fixing that needed to be done. I needed to spend time with myself, healing bits and pieces I should have healed a long time ago. I needed to return to God and focus on my relationship with Him in order to realise a whole bunch of stuff that needed realising. I'm so glad you didn't meet me a year ago, when I thought I was ready for you to. I was a bit of a selfish mess and the man that I hope for you to be deserved so much better.

Here I sit, a year later, and all of a sudden I realise that it's not all about you and I anymore. It's not about meeting you anymore. For so long, it was. But things have changed. Where it was about you, it's now about Him. I've found my way back to the heart of my relationship with Jesus and I think that that's the most important thing I could ever have done for our relationship. Finding my way back to Him was crucial in preparation for us. None of this means that you're no longer important to me, or that I don't cherish our one day relationship as much as I did a year ago. I know that in my heart, if I'm marrying the right guy, you'll understand this more deeply than I do now.

I still want to be married one day, I still want to spend the rest of my life loving you, being loved in return and serving God alongside you. I'm just so grateful to be in this space right here, right now. I couldn't think of a better way to spend the days until we meet than focusing on making God the centre of my life, and ultimately the centre of our relationship.

Had I written this letter to you a year ago, I most definitely would have told you to hurry up and make your way into my life. But not today. Today I don't mind telling you to take your time. I know that the ever-capable Lord is writing our love story, and He wouldn't be keeping us from one another unless it was part of His perfect plan. I think we both still have some growth to do. I need a little more time before you walk into my life - I need to learn how to cook more than my list of like, six meals. And I'm sure you need more time to prepare yourself for meeting my family. They're loud and loving and ridiculous and crazy and selfless and eager to meet you. Already they've got nothing but love for you, this I'm certain of. But like I said, they're loud and loving and ridiculous and you're most definitely going to be overwhelmed. They're proud of me for waiting for us and working on us, you know. Pops said so the other day around the braai, just after I'd responded to the "are you really still single?" shpeel with a "Yes. I know what's important to me and I'm not settling. I want a Godly man and I know it'll be worth the wait." After a moment of silence and a flip of the steak, he said "Shanny, I'm so proud of you." And I don't think he'll ever know just how much those words meant to me.

I don't know who you are, or where you are, but I hope that today was a good day. I hope that you belly-laughed at least once and I hope you fall asleep tonight knowing just how loved you are by our Lord.

I so look forward to the day that I eventually know who you are. I love you already.

All my love,
Shannon