I Was Sad. I Think I Might Still Be.

A lot of the time when life gets busy the first thing to take a back seat is my writing, and in particular, this blog. While I'm running around like a crazy person trying to keep up with everything that is going on around me, I'm hardly aware of how much I miss it. It isn't until times such as these, where I actually have an hour or two to sit down and clear my head whilst tapping away at my keyboard, that I realize what a large part of me writing actually is.

These last couple of months have been some of the most difficult that I have endured in many years. I've been through a great deal of heart ache in my life, but the last five years or so have left me feeling loved and blessed - they've almost made me forget the pain I've come from. But these last two or three months... Oh man have they been a struggle. 

I've had to deal with a lot of my own personal struggles that have reared their ugly little heads after leaving me in peace for a few years. I've also had to deal with pain that those close to me have been dealing with. I wish I could write about it openly on this space. I want to slash out the words. I want them to be hot, raw and painfully honest. I want you to feel the burning anger and the crippling heart ache that they are fueled with. But I can't. A large part - in fact, the entire part - of the cause of this pain simply is not my story to tell. These last couple of months have shifted my world so completely I've often been left wondering just where it is that I belong as well as just where it is that I'm going. I've had to end a friendship that meant everything to me. A friendship that was 14 years old. That one there was one difficult decision - one that I struggle with daily and one that I will most definitely write about when my heart possesses the words.

Although these last couple of months have been difficult, I've also been blessed in so many different ways. I know that with each day of pain I face, I'm only stronger for it. Yes, I had to end one of the most important friendships I had, but in the last three months I have both met and become so close with so many other, truly amazing people. I'm never not amazed at just how God works. If He promises pain, I know for sure that it's not meaningless. I love that He knows when it's time to wrap up one chapter of life and to begin a beautiful new one. I'm grateful that He brings new friends into your world when you have to make the painful decision to walk away from old ones.

I think that I'm learning how to become my own person. Yes, I've always known who I am and what I want out of life. But over the last three months or so, I've learned to rely on myself a lot more than I ever have. I've always been independent and responsible, but I can see changes happening. I'm becoming more of an adult each day. I'm no longer defined by my home town, or my school, or my family. I'm paving this little path for my life, my career and my future family. A year or two ago, I couldn't fathom being where I am today, and I'm so excited to continue on this journey of independence - emotional independence. 

I'm doing better today than I was this time last month. I'm afraid to say that though... Each time I've let the world know that I'm doing okay or that today is a good day, the universe somehow manages to turn my world upside down once again. In the past, I've let myself sink into a dark hole. I've let myself blame myself for what I was experiencing and I've left it up to others to fix me. But not this time. Three months ago, when everything that is happening started happening, I decided that I'm bigger than all of this. I decided that it was time to take care of myself. I started exercising more (and I'm feeling so great about it), I started talking more. I started letting myself feel everything. I also started attending weekly therapy sessions with the loveliest lady. She lets me be angry when I need to be, she lets me laugh when I need to laugh and she lets me pour my heart out without fear of judgement. This afternoon is my last session with her, and I can honestly say that I'm feeling good. Only my dad, Clauds and Emma know about these sessions that I've been going to. I suppose now the whole world has the potential to know. It's not something I'm ashamed of or scared to admit. I just needed to work things through with myself before I shared them with the world.

I wish I could say that I'm feeling as though I can take on the world. I wish I could say that I'm feeling whole. But I'm not. And that is perfectly alright with me, because one day I know I will be, and I promise you I'll let you know all about it!

Through everything, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am loved by a perfect God, and that I am cherished by my amazingly strong family. And somehow, that makes everything reassuringly perfect.

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