8:34pm on a Chilly Sunday Evening

Lately I've found myself writing down random thoughts such as these more often than not. Do these kind of posts have a point? Probably not. But I cannot tell you what sitting down and writing whatever is on my heart does for my soul. I want to look back and remember what I was feeling at 8:34pm on a chilly Sunday evening while sitting in my Res room. And friends, today, at 8:34pm on a chilly Sunday evening, this is what's on my heart...

Life. It's pretty busy right now. The next two weeks are going to be absolute hell academically. I have so many tests and assignments due and I find it hard to believe that exams are a mere 2 and a half weeks away. In just over a month I will be half way through my undergrad. That is one crazy thought. It feels like I've only just left school and yet at the same time, it feels like I'm never going to get this degree.

There are days where I just want to pack it all up and give up. There are days where the last thing I want to do is study. There are days where I genuinely doubt whether I've made the right choice and if this is really what I want. There are days where I cannot bear the thought of having to write another essay. But then there are days where I see just how far I've come and just how much I've conquered despite everything, and in that moment I know that I can do this. I know that the time will pass regardless of what I'm doing with my life and I know that without a doubt, one day this will all be worth it.

I miss my little brother. If I think about it for too long my heart physically aches and so I try not to. He's growing up so fast. He's gorgeous you guys. I love that little soul so very much. I remember before he was in our lives - I remember how I was apprehensive about having another sibling. I remember being frightened of the change. Would my relationship with Clauds still be the same? Would her family still love me as much as they did or would the differences between a biological child and a step child become evident in their eyes? I had so many questions.

Here I sit, 2 years later and I laugh at those doubts and worries I had. I could not imagine Liam not being in our lives. He has doubled all of our hearts. He has taught us how to love in a way that we did not know before. He has brought Clauds and I even closer (I did not know that that would be possible) and he has honestly made everything so much better, more beautiful and brighter. I can't stand to be away from him.

 

I sometimes find myself worrying that he'll forget who I am while I'm here in Grahamstown. I was brought to tears when I was home back in April. I had arrived home for the holiday late in the evening and he had already gone to sleep. The next morning Clauds walked into my room with him on her hip and woke me up. I opened up my eyes to see my little brother staring at me with the biggest smile on his face - he knew exactly who I was and he crawled up to me and we snuggled. My eyes fill up with tears as I type that and remember what it felt like to be recognized and loved by my favourite little human, even after being away from him for 2 and a half months. This term is the longest of the year. I've been here for 5 weeks and I have another 6 to go. It's a long haul, and it's not always easy, especially when you have the most incredible family back home. But I manage it. Yes, I miss Liam and I wish I could be there for the little things he does everyday, but our time together is so special.

I'm so grateful for my dad and Clauds. It's so easy to get caught up in the busyness of our daily lives and at times before I know it, it's been two weeks since I've phoned home and checked in with everyone. Clauds and I are constantly WhatsApping and Snapchatting throughout the day and when my dad comes in from dairy, I'll receive a selfie of the two of them. These little moments mean so much to me. It makes the distance bearable and I'm provided with many a giggle when our maids ask to be included in the Snapchats as well. I thank the Lord daily for my relationship with my parents. I know that I'm blessed to have them in my life and I'm all too aware that not everyone has the kind of relationship with their parents that I do and so I remain constantly grateful. We all work so hard at our relationship, and yet at the same time it is the most natural thing I've ever experienced. 

 Through it all, life is good. I'm content and I'm blessed and I couldn't ask for more. Here's hoping this next week is a goodie!