The Poison That Is Negativity

I was standing in the shower just now, deep in thought - because duh, where else are life's biggest decisions made and deepest thoughts conceived? And you know what? I had to stop myself and actually make a note to get over myself. There I stood, shampoo soaking in my hair and hot water running down my back, thinking about what a shit day I'd had. Ultimately these thoughts just made me feel more and more depressed. Negativity is complete poison you guys. If you were in my head this is some of what you would have witnessed...

How am I possibly going to get all of this work done over the next week? 

This driving instructor is complicating my life, making me doubt myself and completely draining my bank account.

I'm exhausted. I seriously need some sleep.

This country is falling apart. I've lost all faith in humanity.

Am I going to make it through the next month and a half of being here without turning into a complete bitch to everyone that crosses my path?

I couldn't feel more unattractive right now even if I tried.

It was at this point that I looked up and actually laughed out loud. Yup, there I stood, in that shower and literally LOLed at myself. You see, today wasn't great, no. I've had better days, but in all honesty it wasn't that bad either. 

Yes, I have an INSANE amount of work to do over the next week. I'm stressed and I'm worried that I'm not capable. But when I take a step back, I'm reminded of how blessed I am to have that lecturer that just loaded 1000 pages of readings to do on me despite all my other assignments. Yes, I'd rather do without the pages upon pages of reading he's expecting me to do for my essay, but here is a man who has traveled all over the world, lectured in Hawaii, California and Spain. Here is a man who has lived in places that I cannot even pronounce. Here is a man with such a wealth of knowledge standing in front of me, providing me with an education that my Dad has blessed me with - an education that so many South Africans my age would do anything for. When I sit down and actually take stock, I'm impressed with just how much I've already got done. Just tonight I managed to begin and finish an entire assignment that's only due next week Tuesday. That's pretty impressive and just one more thing I can tick off of my list.

Yes, my driving instructor is making things really difficult for me at the moment. But soon this whole season of getting my test done will be over and done with. You see, getting my license has been a thorn in my side for 2 years. I can drive and I can drive well. I know all that I need to and I can execute it perfectly, it's just that I've been completely lazy and haven't felt the urgency to get the ball rolling. But this driving instructor I have now treats my lessons like her therapy sessions! I know her entire life story, I'm aware of the ins and outs of her cheating husband and her less than faithful current partner etc, etc, etc. The thing is, I don't mind listening to someone when they need to vent, I really don't. But the thing is, I'm sitting on 10 lessons with this woman, not to mention that I'd already had 6 with another driving school! My test is in about 2 weeks and today she went and booked me for another 5 lessons! No one I know of has had that many lessons - and they're not cheap either. I'm a student and I can't afford to be forking out the money that I am. She says I'm doing perfectly and that everything is on point but when I ask her why I'm having so many lessons she just says its normal. I'm not sure if I'm just being taken advantage of, but I'm at the stage where I just want to get this stupid test over and done with. If I fail, I will be heart broken, so if praying is your thing, this girl would highly appreciate it!

Yes, my country has it's issues. I woke up this morning only to read 6 different news articles on babies being murdered by their mothers, raped by family members and abused by people in their communities. This is heartbreaking and if I think about it for too long it makes me sick. But this does not mean that the whole of South Africa is a mess. I adore my country. There's so much good to be found in this beautiful place I call home, sometimes it's just a little difficult to look passed the horror stories.

Yes, there's still a while before I go home. But this isn't anything I haven't done before and the moment I do drive into that stunning driveway of ours will be all the more sweeter after having been here for three long months.

Yes, a small colony of zits have arrived in town and have settled down in the luxurious hotel that is my forehead, and yes, the bags under my eyes were a little more prominent today. But I am healthy and my body is functioning. I am confident in who I am, both physically and spiritually and that pimple will be gone in the next couple of days. Also, thank the sweet Lord for a great BB cream!

The thing is, I found a lot to complain about today. But they're pathetic little things in the greater scheme of things. Today may not have been the greatest, but the good thing is that today ends in about 20 minutes. When I sit back and think about this beautiful life I've been given the privilege to live, none of the above matters anymore. Not even a little bit. I wish I could constantly find the silver lining in everything I do, and mostly I can. Today it was just that much easier to find everything that was wrong with my precious 24 hours.

Hey? How's that for your Tuesday night reading? I know, and I'm sorry. But back to that whole sleep deprived thing, if I don't leave you all now, there's absolutely no way that I'm making it to that 7:30am lecture tomorrow. Goodnight friends, dream the biggest dreams and as always, thank you for listening to my ramblings.

xx