Be Still

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 This week hasn't been the best week. It hasn't be exceptionally terrible either, but I've just been feeling so overwhelmed and not myself. The first week back at Varsity after a holiday is always busy and slightly chaotic but this week has been on a whole different level of crazy. Monday set the tone for this week - I arrived back in Grahamstown with a combination of tear and mascara stained cheeks and a very heavy heart after holding the whole plane up and saying goodbye to my family for the next three months.

Academically, the first week back is never too demanding, but this week was more so than usual! I had a 2 hour Drama practical on Monday after getting up at 4am, a 2 hour journey to the airport, a 1.5 hour flight and another 2 hour journey to Grahamstown. I also had 3 other rehearsals for an exam piece that I am really battling with, a semester essay that I should have started weeks ago, a semester test and a poem that needed to be learned off by heart. Admittedly, I could have managed my time better in order to make things easier for myself but I'm just feeling so... bleh... I don't even know how to describe it. 

Lately I have been finding myself worrying about the littlest things and things that aren't even potential problems. Worrying about these small (and sometimes not so small) things is leaving me with this overwhelming sense that I am not in control of my life at the moment. I'm getting myself so flustered and the worst part is, I am never usually like this! I am usually organized, cool, calm and collected. But nope, not lately... 

Last night I was sitting on my bed in my dorm room with my earphones in and my iPod on shuffle. I was looking around my room with all sorts of thoughts running through my mind... "You still haven't unpacked your suitcases"... "That bookshelf needs sorting out"... "When are you going to get around to typing up all those lecture notes? Exams are just around the corner, are you even going to be prepared?"... "You still haven't gotten your license. Why are you so scared to just pick up the phone and book your remaining lessons? If you can't even do these simple things, how are you expecting to survive out there in 'real life'?" With tears threatening to make an appearance and a huge, heavy feeling of weakness, The Fray's Be Still started filling my ears. This beautiful song is definitely worth having a listen to.

Right then and there God reminded me that I don't need to be in control, because He is. I don't need to worry about a single thing, because He goes before me in everything I do. I only need to hand over my worries to Him and trust that everything is going to come together one day. I only need to be still.

Sourced from my Instagram

Did acknowledging this make me feel 100% better right away? Honestly? No, it didn't. But whenever I'm beginning to feel out of control again, I remind myself that no, I am actually not in control of my life and there are far, far bigger things to worry about than the fact that my suitcase is not unpacked yet and that I still haven't booked my license. I find so much peace in knowing that God is in control, and I don't need to be. While I'm not feeling so hundreds right now and while I don't know how long this 'funk' is going to last for, I am grateful for it because it's teaching me to rely on my ever-capable Father.